Since my last post I've become pregnant twice and now face different challenges as a stay-at-home mom to two boys just 11 months apart in age. My older boy - conceived through IVF - was born with mosaic trisomy 18, also known as Edwards Syndrome, and has a moderate hearing loss in both ears. My younger boy was conceived and born completely naturally and normally. A "surprise" you might say. After years of trying to find the perfect timing and imagining the ideal family, we were blessed with one surprise after another and it's nothing at all like anything we ever dreamed. I won't lie - there are days when I wonder how God thinks we could possibly be the best parents for our two little ones and how we will survive the next 20+ years, but I wouldn't trade a thing for my two precious babies.
I've got to be the world's worst blogger, but I will try again. My first task: to think of a new blog title. Next task: to add another post.
Saturday, March 27, 2010
Thursday, July 19, 2007
Where do they all come from?
I'm talking about pregnant women... I am surrounded by them and I can't get away! Just today, I got an invitation in the mail from a pregnant distant cousin to her pregnant sister-in-law's baby shower. Tomorrow at work I'm attending a surprise baby shower for one of two co-workers whose wives are pregnant. I work with two women who, since I joined the team in November, have gotten pregnant. And one of my closest cousins is also pregnant. She did not want to tell me herself, because I guess she just found out she was pregnant after my miscarriage, and so had to tell my mom who then had to wait for a "good time" to tell me. I can think of so many other pregnant women I have had contact with in just the past month, but you probably get the point. Sometimes it doesn't bother me to be around pregnant people, but other times, I just wish I had a good excuse to stay away. I am terrified that I will hear that someone else I know who wasn't even trying or just started TTC is pregnant. I hate that feeling of knowing you should just be happy, but being unable to be totally happy. Because even though you are glad for the pregnant person, you can't help but to feel depressed and to think about yourself and why it's not happening to you. Then you feel guilty for feeling that way, and you feel like a terrible, selfish person. Lord, please don't let me feel that way tomorrow...
Monday, July 16, 2007
Hello, World!
So here is my first blog entry, after months of following countless others' blogs. My apologies to other bloggers with similar egg-themed blog titles. I was browsing through my new favorite art site, etsy.com, and found this awesome piece entitled "A Good Egg Is Hard to Find" and thought, that's it! Maybe the artist will let me use the image here... Anyway, if I had not seen that image, I probably would not have started this blog, as it seems all of the good infertility blog titles have been taken.
Here is a little summary of where I've been in the TTC world:
August 1997 - December 1999: Married J, traveled to places in the US and distant lands, changed careers, bought a house, sold house, moved, changed careers.
February 2002: Started TTC, but not very hard. My thought: if it happens, it happens.
June 2003: Bought a house.
August 2003: Got a dog.
Mid 2004: Cycle started going haywire. When my period lasted all of three weeks, I knew something was wrong.
January 2005: Laparoscopy, ovarian cystectomy of endometriomas - one in each ovary, endometriosis diagnosed, treated with Lupron.
August 2005: Resumed TTC. Started charting temps: short luteal phase.
June 2006: Got another dog.
October 2006: Doctor suspected luteal phase deficiency and prescribed Clomid. Tried 3 cycles with no luck.
March 2007: Started IVF cycle #1 with BCPs.
Early April 2007: Started stims.
Mid April 2007: Retrieved five eggs, two mature, one fertilized, one transferred.
Early May 2007: BFP.
Mid May 2007: Heartbeat.
Late May 2007: No heartbeat.
June 2007: D&C.
July 2007: Started IVF cycle #2 with BCPs. Test results revealed trisomy 17. HSG showed no uterine or tubal abnormalities.
Sorry that wasn't so short, but that's the story. I never thought I would become a true member of the infertile world. Now that I have to go through another IVF cycle, I feel like I am a bona fide infertile. I thought IVF #1 might work - every single person I knew who did IVF got pregnant and delivered with their first IVF cycle.
I don't know if I just knew it wouldn't last, but when I learned I was no longer pregnant, I was not as devastated as I expected. Disappointed, sad, but not totally crushed. My husband was in denial. We had gone to a different office for the ultrasound where the equipment was a little older. The RE did not want to confirm a miscarriage, so she had us go to our regular office the next day for another ultrasound. I'd already done my mourning, but J tried to be positive. It hit him pretty hard, and we had to sit in the car for a good half hour to cry before heading off to work. It was the second time in more than 1o years I had ever seen him cry like that.
Maybe it helped that I was so busy at work. I was able to go to work that same day and get through a very long, important client meeting the next day during which, oddly enough, the topic of miscarriage came up! The clients were talking about their children and grandchildren, and one of them started talking about the twins she lost years ago. So weird... I must have been sending some major vibes. Thank goodness I did not lose my cool and start bawling right there.
I started reading about miscarriage, causes, treatment, how to avoid it... I was worried I might have some kind of immunological disorder associated with endometriosis. I thought maybe I should have kept on taking the baby aspirin even after they told me it was safe to stop. Until I got the test results, I wondered and wondered what could possibly have caused the baby to stop growing. The test results showed the baby had trisomy 17. It was very unlikely that the pregnancy would have lasted any longer than it did. According to my RE, the likelihood of having another chromosomal abnormality is slim, but I am still worried it will happen again. Or that I do have an immunological disorder that will cause another miscarriage. Sure, my husband and I got through the last IVF cycle and the loss OK, but I am really not sure I can go through a string of losses like I see so many others do.
Anyway, now that I know the cause of the miscarriage, I've stopped reading all about miscarriages - I think I've learned all I need to know for now. Now I am trying to just think positive, eat better (cutting caffeine and wine out pretty soon), walk more, drink more water, take my pre-natal vitamins (yuck!), and get to bed earlier. And start to gear up for the sub-Q shots in the belly, the PIO in the butt, the 2ww - all that good stuff! It really wasn't so bad... I think I can do it just one more time.
Here is a little summary of where I've been in the TTC world:
August 1997 - December 1999: Married J, traveled to places in the US and distant lands, changed careers, bought a house, sold house, moved, changed careers.
February 2002: Started TTC, but not very hard. My thought: if it happens, it happens.
June 2003: Bought a house.
August 2003: Got a dog.
Mid 2004: Cycle started going haywire. When my period lasted all of three weeks, I knew something was wrong.
January 2005: Laparoscopy, ovarian cystectomy of endometriomas - one in each ovary, endometriosis diagnosed, treated with Lupron.
August 2005: Resumed TTC. Started charting temps: short luteal phase.
June 2006: Got another dog.
October 2006: Doctor suspected luteal phase deficiency and prescribed Clomid. Tried 3 cycles with no luck.
March 2007: Started IVF cycle #1 with BCPs.
Early April 2007: Started stims.
Mid April 2007: Retrieved five eggs, two mature, one fertilized, one transferred.
Early May 2007: BFP.
Mid May 2007: Heartbeat.
Late May 2007: No heartbeat.
June 2007: D&C.
July 2007: Started IVF cycle #2 with BCPs. Test results revealed trisomy 17. HSG showed no uterine or tubal abnormalities.
Sorry that wasn't so short, but that's the story. I never thought I would become a true member of the infertile world. Now that I have to go through another IVF cycle, I feel like I am a bona fide infertile. I thought IVF #1 might work - every single person I knew who did IVF got pregnant and delivered with their first IVF cycle.
I don't know if I just knew it wouldn't last, but when I learned I was no longer pregnant, I was not as devastated as I expected. Disappointed, sad, but not totally crushed. My husband was in denial. We had gone to a different office for the ultrasound where the equipment was a little older. The RE did not want to confirm a miscarriage, so she had us go to our regular office the next day for another ultrasound. I'd already done my mourning, but J tried to be positive. It hit him pretty hard, and we had to sit in the car for a good half hour to cry before heading off to work. It was the second time in more than 1o years I had ever seen him cry like that.
Maybe it helped that I was so busy at work. I was able to go to work that same day and get through a very long, important client meeting the next day during which, oddly enough, the topic of miscarriage came up! The clients were talking about their children and grandchildren, and one of them started talking about the twins she lost years ago. So weird... I must have been sending some major vibes. Thank goodness I did not lose my cool and start bawling right there.
I started reading about miscarriage, causes, treatment, how to avoid it... I was worried I might have some kind of immunological disorder associated with endometriosis. I thought maybe I should have kept on taking the baby aspirin even after they told me it was safe to stop. Until I got the test results, I wondered and wondered what could possibly have caused the baby to stop growing. The test results showed the baby had trisomy 17. It was very unlikely that the pregnancy would have lasted any longer than it did. According to my RE, the likelihood of having another chromosomal abnormality is slim, but I am still worried it will happen again. Or that I do have an immunological disorder that will cause another miscarriage. Sure, my husband and I got through the last IVF cycle and the loss OK, but I am really not sure I can go through a string of losses like I see so many others do.
Anyway, now that I know the cause of the miscarriage, I've stopped reading all about miscarriages - I think I've learned all I need to know for now. Now I am trying to just think positive, eat better (cutting caffeine and wine out pretty soon), walk more, drink more water, take my pre-natal vitamins (yuck!), and get to bed earlier. And start to gear up for the sub-Q shots in the belly, the PIO in the butt, the 2ww - all that good stuff! It really wasn't so bad... I think I can do it just one more time.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)